


When Your Soldiers Don't Listen

by ekourege



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, damn Konoha and its flamboyancy, even if they smell like shit, hiruzen wants to have one damn meeting with his ninja without getting leaves everywhere, including making sure his ninja dont leave a fuckign mess behind them, it pisses everyone off but mostly hiruzen, kakashi gives no fucks, leaves, lots of leaves, naruto has a blast with all the leaves, sarutobi hiruzen was bad at a lot of things, some sort of rebellion he didn't get to experience in his teenage years?, the shit ninja put into their shunshin techniques....
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 00:07:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14031840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ekourege/pseuds/ekourege
Summary: “It is generally accepted that the further up in the ranks a ninja ascends, the more they rely on the shunshin to get where they want to go.”Or, in other words, Hiruzen laments his position - and his existence.





	When Your Soldiers Don't Listen

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I’m back with another dumb one-shot, this time centered around my LEAST favorite Hokage. 
> 
> ...I take that back, most of them are actually pretty awful. Do better, Konoha.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, I’ve been meaning to write this one since… late 2016? It’s been sitting in my writing notebook, fully plotted out for quite a while now. Oops. I honestly don’t know why it is that I cannot seem to complete a fic when i'm inspired to write it, and instead wait for-fucking-ever to get around to it. Hm. I gotta stop procrastinating and write, otherwise, I won’t improve my skills at all, yeah? 
> 
>  
> 
> Some updates while I’m at it, though. I’m pleased to announce that Frequencies!verse will soon be off hiatus, as it was honestly unplanned and I just completely forgot to continue it, as I was focused on my multitudes of other fics. 
> 
> And thus, I’ve decided that I should start a posting schedule, as there’s nothing like a little time pressure, right? I’ve also got several BNHA fics planned, all of which will exist exclusively on my ao3 account, a few more KHR fics planned, (a 5927 friendship fic, a fic featuring Dream Walker!Tsuna, etc.), and plenty of Naruto fic content. Discrepancies’verse is still in planning, though, and the first part isn’t due to be written and released until sometime around may/june. Other than that, I’ll just be writing and posting as I have been.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

It is generally accepted that the further up in the ranks a ninja ascends, the more they rely on the shunshin to get where they want to go.

Coupled with this, is the affection the ninja of the hidden leaf hold for grand entrances and dramatic monologues, so it makes sense that this affects the way they use the shunshin, as well.

* * *

Hiruzen couldn’t be more excited, and though his elation wasn’t obvious from his face, which was set in a dignified, serious expression, the young man nearly shook in his seat. It wasn’t anything particularly exciting, if one were to think about it, it was simply a chunin giving a report, but the difference was that it was Hiruzen behind the desk, receiving the report instead of giving it. He sat in his hokage robes, the wide-brimmed hat placed over his head, and he steepled his fingers together to contain his shaking fingers; After all, it had only been a few short days since he’d been coronated, even if the circumstances leading up to his ascension to Hokage weren’t fantastic, and were actually quite painful, it was better to dwell on the happy things in life. The thing you celebrate and feel joy over, and Hiruzen’s joy was settling into his new job as leader of the village, which thus far was exhausting, but ultimately satisfying.

The chunin trails off, finishing up his report. He’s unremarkable for a ninja, unlikely to move up any further in the ranks then he is now, but that’s a fact true for most ninja populating his village, and Hiruzen makes an effort not to judge him for it. The chunin bows, dark brown hair falling into his eyes, before exiting the room in a shunshin.

The chunin, unwittingly, and likely due to habit, leaves a pile of leaves scattered about in the position he'd occupied just a moment before.

Hiruzen calls an anbu down from the ceiling to clean it up, and all thought of it quickly escapes his mind.

* * *

Hiruzen finds himself quickly becoming irritated with the shunshin. As Hokage, he is unable to make use of it much anymore, unless he finds himself in a hurry or needing to deal with an emergency that needs his immediate presence, but the same could not be said for the ninja under him in rank. It seems like all the higher level nin, every single one, exploited it, peppering their shunshin techniques with different effects, each tailored to their own liking and leaving their dramatic flair behind in his office for him to deal with. The most popular effect, living in Konoha, is obviously leaves. It’s as if none of the upper-level chunin and jounin can use the door, despite its existence being there and handy, lying in wait for someone to grab the handle and make their way out of it, simply and without a mess. Yet, even still, Hiruzen finds himself confronted with piles and piles of scattered leaves, some fluttering onto his desk, others simply scattered on the floor.

That leads them to now, where Hiruzen has just finished up assigning a jounin a special mission that needs taking care of, as the man knows that there are few in the village with the talents to make this particular mission a success, and it wouldn’t be prudent of him to allow just anyone to take the mission and get themselves killed. He dismisses the ninja, ordering him to pack what he needs and report to the front gates by the next morning. The ninja, before Hiruzen can remind him to " _use the door-!"_ employs a shunshin, leaving behind yet another pile of leaves. The sandaime makes a special gesture, and an anbu descends from the ceiling to deal with the mess. Another ninja shunshin’s in, further spreading the leaves and adding a set of her own. The anbu he’d called to take care of the mess quickly climbs back into the ceiling before they can be seen, and Hiruzen sighs, waving off the bow and telling her to get on with it.

She does, startling, and when he’s taken care of that meeting, she shunshins out, leaving another pile of leaves behind with the rest. Hiruzen marks her file, he’ll call her back later to scold her personally.

The Sandaime, the third Hokage as of 4 weeks, just groans and harshly scrubs at his face.

He already feels too old for this shit.

* * *

This pattern continues for years. It is an endless, ceaseless battle between the Hokage and the general ninja populace, a fruitless tug-of-war to get them to use the damn door, please, it’s right there. Many a ninja are reminded, reprimanded, time and time again, for using the windows to shunshin into his office, or shunshinning in and out and leaving behind anything from the standard pile of leaves to strips of paper. At the end of every meeting, every appointment with those who are not by-the-book-uptight or clan-heads, an aggrieved shout can be heard “Use the door!”. Sometimes, Hiruzen is successful, he catches the ninja just in time to avoid a mess, and the ninja will apologize profusely before using the door to exit. (Usually. A few cheeky shits manually walk towards the window, unlatched it and hop out of it without looking back.)

Most of the time, he does not succeed. In fact, it is quite often the opposite. For all the Sandaime’s skills in tactics and jutsu, he finds himself time and time again unable to stop his own ninja from executing a shunshin in his office. It happens in all manner of ways, to the ninja disappearing halfway through his reminder, panicked expressions as their own jutsu’s whisk them away, or acting as if they had not heard him altogether. The Hokage was unsure as to whether or not the issue was with his own leadership, or if habit prevails over even the threat of a personal scolding. Either way, it only ended with his tired, resigned frustration, and his personal anbu part-time as housekeepers, having to manually clean-up after fully grown ninja, as if most of his forces were no-better than rampaging toddlers.

It also created a bad smell if left for long enough, especially after it had rained.

That leads him to now, where Hiruzen has just finished assigning a mission to several jounin, the infamous Hatake Kakashi among the mix. His gaze is blank, as always, his expression permanently set in one of lazy apathy, even with his back perfectly straight and eyes cutting sharply into the room, discreetly keeping track of everything in the office, despite being among allies and his very own leader. Most would not notice it, but Hiruzen is not “most”. He is the Hokage first, and he really should check up on Hatake at some point. He fears Hatake might be isolating himself once again, and that he may fall prey to his own past and darkness.

Regardless, the thought is for another time. Flicking his wrist, the Sandaime dismisses the group, absent mindedly taking a puff from his pipe.

The old man realizes a second too late that these are jounin, and Hatake particularly is infamous for his insolence, and to Hiruzen personally, his stubbornness in shunshinning in and out of his office using the window. He leaves behind cloying smoke or a larger-than-average pile of leaves, even though both of them know Hatake's enough to shunshin away silently, leaving without a trace of his existence.

It really pisses him off that no matter how _many damned times_ he tells them all not to, they don’t listen!

He is left with a silent office, and an assortment of shunshin residue.

… mostly leaves, but in the mixture is… are those raisins? Hiruzen's face screws up, and he huffs in contempt and frustration. _‘What the hell?’_ he thinks.

An anbu climbs down from the ceiling, a nearly inaudible sigh from behind the standard-issue mask perfectly reflects Hiruzen’s own feelings on the mess, and he’s not even the one who has to clean it up. _‘... Wait, why is it that I have to clean it up?’_ Hiruzen ponders, a single eyebrow raising as he uses his free hand to rub his chin. A vengeful plan forms from the wisps of his anger, solidifying into a scheme Hiruzen thinks - hopes - might do the trick. Then, he smirks. It will be a test of willpower and tolerance, but the old man thinks he knows what he can do to teach them not to cross him. 

Hiruzen puts his hand up as the anbu goes to gather the leaves, gruffly ordering the anbu to halt in his actions. “That will not be necessary, leave it be.”

The anbu pauses, only for a moment, but nods his assent and returns to his position in the ceiling, if slower than he would otherwise. Hiruzen then leans back in his seat, Hokage’s hat obscuring his eyes as he steeples his finger together and says menacingly, “Maybe the fools will listen, after this.”

* * *

The leaves pile up. Hiruzen sits in his office day after day, a shit-eating grin pasted onto his face. The piles grow longer, taller, the office starts to reek of rotting leaves and other remnant of the shunshin.

Some of his ninja attempt to question him on it, trying to broach the subject cautiously, so as not to offend him. The sandaime rebukes him, taking a puff from his pipe as he raises an eyebrow and asks him why his choice in office decor is being questioned. His son gives him a weird look, the one time he enters his office during the whole debacle, curtly reporting to Hiruzen the status of his most recent mission, before quickly exiting the room. Without use of the shunshin. It seems his ninja are finally catching on.

Konohamaru runs into his office on stubby legs. He slips on some of the leaves not in the main piles, and falls face-first onto the floor. Hiruzen had panicked a bit when that had occured, rising from his seat and quickly going to see if his grandson was alright. After all, the incidence was kind of his fault, and Hiruzen hates to see his family cry.

A week turns into two, and into a month, then three. Hatake has tried to shunshin into his office on multiple occasions, but Hiruzen now keeps the windows locked, and every time Hatake appears in the middle of sticky leaves, leaving him spluttering. An injured chunin with a hatred for hospitals spills blood on the floor, and the Hokage plugs his nose with cotton to avoid the rancid smell. 

The room is hard to navigate, and the more neatness-oriented jounin gaze at him like he’s just blown up the hokage monument and lit the world on fire, though Hiruzen can admit he’s vindictively satisfied with the growing horror in their eyes. Some ninja take to standing on furniture, Hiruzen, mercifully, does not reprimand them, and no longers requires anyone to stand on the floor in front of him, necessarily.

Hiruzen either has to shunshin himself out of the room, or trudge through piles of leaves and other bits of matter like it’s snow. He would have thought that by now, they would have caught on to the method for his madness, but the vast majority still insist on using their style and messy shunshin’s inside of his office, rather than just using the door.

Hiruzen eyes Naruto as he joyfully flops into a pile, seemingly unaffected by the stench.

Ah, at least someone is enjoying all the leaves. God knows Hiruzen longs to have it all cleaned up, to have his office deep-cleaned to rid it of the smell of rot and wet leaves. But the Sandaime must be resilient, and make sure to follow his plan through.

* * *

It is now impossible to execute a shunshin inside of Hiruzen’s office. There is simply too many leaves that have coalesced inside the room, and being anywhere near it is a nightmare that haunts many, from the civilians all the way up the clan-heads.

Hiruzen calls the jounin into his office, though he is purposefully selective in sending the message, only asking for his top jounin and the most frequent offenders, the ones who haven’t learned.

The enter the room one by one, wrinkling their noses slightly, but making the effort to stand at attention.

Hiruzen smiles at them all, the cotton stuffed into his nostrils making him look slightly ridiculous, yet instilling an acute fear of god in all of those present. The sandaime, the third hokage of Konoha, boasting many achievements, talents and prestige leans forward. The old-man locks his fingers and asks formally, but not unkindly, “What do you all think of the new decor? I would like to think it’s more natural, and a better fit for the theme of our village, after all.” There is a long pause when he trails off. The ninja fidget slightly, mouths clamped shut. It is Kurenai who breaks the silence, stumbling over her words as she gently attempts to voice her own opinion. “Hokage-sama, are you sure this is… the best way of introducing more… natural decor?”

Hiruzen laughs. “Well, with you damned fools it is! You all leave this garbage everywhere, despite my asking you not to. So why get rid of it? Especially when you lot will just make new messes all over again?”

The ninja at attention simply stare at him, looking ashamed. Hiruzen leans back. “Use the damn door, or at least a smoke shunshin if you must.”

The euphoria Hiruzen experiences when everyone in the room nods is almost enough to make up for the hell they have put him through.

* * *

It's not all rainbows and sunshine after that, Hatake continues to use the same leaf-enhanced shunshin, despite his reprimandations.

Every time, Hatake looks Hiruzen dead in the eyes, smiles at him, and shunshins out using the window.

Hiruzen just puts his face in his hands.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, my tumblr is [ ekourege. Feel free to scream at me there!!](https://ekourege.tumblr.com/)


End file.
